Category: Theology

I Am Deeply Hurt. And I Am Very Angry.

A reflection on how I’ve experienced God dealing with evil, inspired by Hosea’s experience with God in Hosea 1.

I am deeply hurt. And I am very angry.

The results of evil I see in this world stir these emotions in me.

Initially I just see the evil the other has caused. I can’t believe how a person who calls themselves by God’s name could do such things.

But quickly I realize what’s also there is the shame of the evil I’ve overlooked.

It’s not one or the other. It’s both.

The hurt. The anger. It’s resulting from all of it.

They failed me. They failed us. They failed God!

But I’ve also failed.

So it’s all wrapped up together as I immediately call out to God: What are you going to do about this? How can this be?

I want to look away from the evil. It’s too much to bear. The devastation it has caused me. The destruction that has been caused to so many.

God, I want you to deal with it.

But He directs me to turn my face toward it. To see what has been done. To feel what has been caused.

He is asking me to deal openly with the evil in front of me.

The evil of unfaithfulness.

The evil of lives ruined.

The evil of withholding love.

The evil of broken trust.

Why God? Why must I know these evils? Why must we experience them firsthand? Why would I willingly allow myself to enter into such difficulty?

And then He gently shows me. The wounds. His wounds. How the evil that’s been done has wounded him.

And He reminds me that it’s in the shared hurt. It’s in the shared anger toward the evil. It’s in the shared wounding. That healing can be found.

And He reminds me that it’s in the shared hurt. It’s in the shared anger toward the evil. It’s in the shared wounding. That healing can be found.

It’s in that space. In the aftermath of the destruction. In the complete awareness of evil. That He can rebuild. That He can restore.

That He can construct what was always meant to be.

Oneness.

Belonging.

Intimacy.

It’s there. Where transparency is the only way forward. Where integrity is the only thing that matters. Where sacrificial love is the only power someone wields.

It’s there. Where God will bring beauty from the ashes. Where God will bring order to the chaos. Where God will make me whole in the midst of my brokenness.

I am deeply hurt. And I am very angry.

But in sharing in our woundedness together, I am healed.

Commentary:

In recent years, we’ve continued to see the public failures of popular Christian leaders. And we see the path of destruction it leaves.

This is how it typically goes: A leader has a charismatic personality and tons of gifting. God seems to use them in impactful ways and tons of people start to “follow them” or look to them. An organization is started around them, mostly by those who are looking to this leader to continue to be the one used by God.

So a two-sided complex emerges. The leader begins to see themselves thru the eyes of their followers (as the person God works thru). And the followers (sometimes board members and employees of the organization as well) begin to treat the leader as having a different level of relationship with God.

The Deceiver sneaks into this and convinces the leader to do evil. The leader is eventually “found out” and may even be confronted. But usually they deny the evil, sometimes play the role of the victim, and then crucify those who come against them. And the destruction that the evil causes is widespread. To all those involved.

But it’s not just happening in contexts with well-known leaders. My story includes this same sort of thing happening in a small church I served in. I was an employee who challenged the inappropriate behavior of the leader. My wife and I were crucified for it. The leader’s “followers” defended him (most of the board were followers). We soon had to leave, terribly wounded. Later things would come to light that were far worse than what we even could have imagined. And we will always wonder if they could have been stopped if someone just would have listened.

I almost walked away from ministry because of this experience. It was devastating. And I honestly understand when people walk away from church altogether because of them. I get it. I really do.

So when these recent situations come up, I’ve begun to realize that I re-live all of the emotions of what I went thru all over again. All of the personal hurt. All of the anger toward the leader. All of the distrust toward the ones around the leader. All of the not understanding where God is. All of the pain for those who are the victims of the horrendous evil.

Over time God has shown me that though I will not be able to escape the evils of this world, He can in a miraculous way use what was meant for evil to accomplish some sort of good (as in the story of Joseph in Genesis). It doesn’t take away the pain caused by the evil. The scars are still there. But the wounds can be healed.

And that happens when I enter into the wounds that evil has actually cause Him, me, and others. God himself has been wounded. And it’s thru His own wounding that God begins to rebuild what was always His purpose: people filled with love for one another.

The good God can bring is genuine love for one another as we recognize our own brokenness (both by the evil we’ve caused and the evil that’s been caused to us), and lean into the miraculous love He has shown us by taking all of that upon Himself.

This sort of thing is only experienced among people who fully surrender to God’s plan as they turn from their own participation in evil -via transparency and owning their own personal sin – and the receiving of love from those around them who are reciprocating that same level of surrender.

My hope in sharing my own struggles with these things is that maybe someone else will also find healing in the midst of the deep hurt and anger.

In The Pain, God Is There

A reflection on how I’ve experienced God meeting with me, inspired by Elijah’s experience with God in 1 Kings 19:8-18.

I feel alone sometimes.

At times it feels like wandering.

Other times it feels like running for my life.

On the outside I can accomplish something big for God. People see it. God shows up. It proves my faith. Right?

Except on the inside I’m still not sure where He is when the big thing is over. Will I still be alone? Wandering? Running for my life?

And so I hide. From others. But mostly from God.

But then He comes and invites me to meet with Him.

And so I go to meet Him where I think He will be: in the big church event. The band. The choir. The singing. The preaching. The altar. It’s the place where people come to meet with God. Right?

But that’s not where He wants to meet with me.

And so I go to meet Him where I think He might be next: in the conference, the concert, the retreat. All the people. The unique setting. The exciting or heavy emotions. This is where big things happen in my life for God. Right?

But that’s not where He wants to meet with me.

And so I go to meet Him where He’s surely got to be: in the mission trip, the outreach, the doing. That’s where people need me. That’s where important things are accomplished. This is where God wants to work in big ways thru me. Right?

But that’s not where He wants to meet with me.

And so I’m unsure where He wants to meet with me.

Then the pain comes: death, sickness, loss, broken relationship, anger, anxiety, confusion, loneliness.

And in the pain. A voice. His voice. Quietly speaking:

You

are

not

alone,

I AM

here.

So this is where He wants to meet with me.

This is where He wants to speak to me.

This is where He wants to tune my heart to His.

In the stillness of my pain.

I was so busy looking to meet with Him in all the places I was told He would be. All the places I knew He should be. All the places outside of my pain.

But He was waiting. To meet with me. Right where I was. Right in the midst of my life. Right in the middle of my pain.

But He was waiting. To meet with me. Right where I was. Right in the midst of my life. Right in the middle of my pain.

Commentary:

I am not saying God has not “shown up” in my life, or doesn’t show up in people’s lives, at things like church events and retreats. I’m saying I never understood what truly being with God (and more accurate what God truly being with me) was like until I finally experienced Him meeting me right where I was at. It has been my experience that many of us go looking for God “out there,” instead of experiencing Him being with us “here” – right where we are.

I spent so much of my young adult life “looking for God in all the wrong places” (if I can play off a popular music lyric). I’m not sure it was taught to me more than caught. But I had grown up believing God was out there somewhere. In the religious experiences. In the displays of worship. Even in the miracles or on the “mission field.” I would have never said such a thing theologically. But practically it’s how I lived.

And then something shifted. Years ago really. But this COVID season has solidified it in a way that is actually changing my life.

It’s the very truth of the incarnation: He is not out there. He is right here.

With me. With us. Right where we are.

In our homes. In our workplaces. In our schools.

In the store. In the hospital. In the counseling session.

In our playing sports. In our vacations. In our gathering with friends.

And once I found Him here with me, it didn’t change the pain. The pain was still there. But I didn’t feel alone in the pain anymore. And I didn’t run from the pain anymore. Because God met with me in the pain.

You are not alone. God is with you.

He wants to meet with you in the pain.

The Beauty of a Singing God

God not only is the reason for our worship, but he rejoices in and with our worship by adding his own glory to the moment.

The following words of the prophet Zephaniah came to me the other morning as I watched a clip of music fans singing the songs of their favorite artists. First the words of the prophet and then the clip.

14 Sing aloud, O daughter of Zion;
shout, O Israel!
Rejoice and exult with all your heart,
O daughter of Jerusalem!
15 The Lord has taken away the judgments against you;
he has cleared away your enemies.
The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst;
you shall never again fear evil.
16 On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
“Fear not, O Zion;
let not your hands grow weak.
17 The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:14-17 ESV

Now the clip.

Now, you may be wondering what these two things have in common. It took me a little while to get it as well. So, let me share with you what came to mind.

In this world, we all desire to be acknowledged by those we deem our mentors or admire. The reality is that not everyone get the opportunity shown in this clip. Not everyone get a chance to stand before they one they esteem and show them what they are made of. This is not normal.

However, and this is what I want to illustrate, if we are truly children of God. If we have truly entered into that blessed relationship with God, when we gather for worship we are able to sing before God. We are able to offer to him something he genuinely wants to see and hear.

What makes this interaction even more beautiful is that God joins in the chorus with us. God not only is the reason for our worship, but he rejoices in and with our worship by adding his own glory to the moment.

This may be why some never really enjoy the worship time in their fellowships, they are waiting to be entertained, rather than entering into that time with longing to sing with God the wonderful things he has done.

We have to learn and grow to enjoy the admiration of God more than these fans enjoyed the recognition of their idols.

Worship is the Result, Not the Cause

Most of the people who attend worship services have become consumers of worship rather than the producers of it within the local church.

Since I have been tasked with leading worship at my church, I have given significant time to think about the topic of worship. During this time, I have found the biggest issue I find being discussed (in one way or another) that most churches face in the area of worship can be boiled down to one issue: We have allowed the congregation to become the audience rather than the performers of worship. Whether intentionally or not this has been the trend. And it is a trend that must be changed.
Continue reading “Worship is the Result, Not the Cause”

Worship and the Search for Intimacy with God

When I look into the face of my brothers and sisters as they worship I am looking at someone who understands my journey.

There are so many obstacles to worship. We are confronted with an innumerable set of distractions every day. Some of them are more compelling than others, but only just so. It is so easy to allow our attention to wander and focus on the silliest of things. Anything to avoid doing what needs to be done. It doesn’t matter how hard we try there will always be something vying for our attention.
Continue reading “Worship and the Search for Intimacy with God”

Who Makes Up The Worship Team?

I have been in church my entire life. My father is a pastor and I, very rarely, if I can help it, miss being in church on a Sunday morning. Even when I am on vacation I make time to go to church wherever I am. When I was seventeen years old, I too felt a calling toward full-time vocational ministry. Let’s fast forward just short of two decades ahead and I have been working in churches and with churches in a variety of capacities my entire adult life. The one thing I had never experienced was being a “worship pastor” until recently. And, I have to say, I have definitely learned a few important truths about who really makes up the worship team.

Worship is an important aspect of the Christian community. One of the problems that arises is that we do not alway know who is on the team and who isn’t. I have shared some of my thoughts over at Worship Links. You can read the rest of my guest post at WorshipLinks.us.

Make every worship song your own

Over the last few years, I have found my understanding of what worship is changing and expanding. The main reason is that I have been leading worship more often. My learning to play the guitar started as a necessity. It then became something far more personal. It was not something that I wanted to do. It just sort of happened. It needed to be done, and I was able to lead, so I did.

What makes worship so challenging, at least, to me, is that it can be difficult to get people to worship. Part of the problem may be that most of us do not know how to worship God. We have been exposed to an entertainment culture. So, that gets transferred into the church and we come waiting on the “show” to begin.

This is a dangerous and sad state of affairs. The conversations about worship no longer revolve around content but rather have shifted to style and preferences. It really should not matter the style of music that is being used, if you are a child of God, you should be able to worship whenever God’s people have gathered for that purpose.

I am not diminishing the reality of our own preferences. However, when these preferences dictate our ability to connect with our heavenly father, we have given far too much power over our worship to something that changes from one generation to the next. I do not my worship held hostage by the style of music. I must work to keep our worship focused on the one who is worthy of worship. And I must do this independent of what style is employed my the assembly I happen to be in.

It is a true statement to say that the distance between what was expected in the Temple during the sacrificial system and today is so great. By this, I do not mean the sacrifice itself. That would be too easy to identify as a difference. I am talking about the intimacy of having to watch that sacrifice being slaughtered because of my brokenness and sin. That connection, the connection between sin and sacrifice to atone has to be reconsidered and reestablished.

Yes, we can sing about the promises and the love of God. We can sing about all the great things God has done. We can sing about heaven and the power of the Spirit. All of these things are appropriate and necessary subjects of our praise. However, the underlying reason for all of these things, the reason we can sing about these things at all is because a Lamb was slain for the sins of the world.

When we fail to ground our worship in the truth of Christ’s death and resurrection, our worship is untethered from the only mooring that gives our worship meaning.

I have basically come to the conclusion that the problem is we do not take ownership of the worship we are are supposed to be giving to God. In other words, when I join the church to worship I have been called to belong to and the worship leader is leading in a song, I have to make that song my song. I have to make the words that are being sung my words. I should be joining my voice with the voices of the rest of the church as we say to ourselves and to God that we believe what we are singing together.

Each song is communicating something. There is a point to the lyrics and the music helps to communicate that idea. Therefore, if I am going to worship I have to engage all of my faculties. My head and my heart must be joined together. The emotions and ideas that I hear and contemplate may begin in the mouth of the leader but, eventually, they must come out of my mouth too. Not just to parrot what is happening. But because I believe what is being sung is true for me too.

When I worship, those who see me doing it, those who hear me sing should be able to say that they believe that I believe what I am singing and saying. Those around us should be convinced that I mean every word of the song I am singing.

I do not always do this, but I want it to be truer of me every day.

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