In Memory of
Jacob Carlyle Davis
August 20, 1986 – December 28, 2010
Two years ago my family experienced one of the most devastating events we had ever faced. Two years ago my brother-in-law died in a car accident. The “facts” of what happened simply do not have the ability to communicate the emotions that I feel this morning as I remember him and how much I miss him. His mom and sister (my wife) feel a different kind of pain. Their knowledge of him was intimate, personal and began from before Jacob entered into the world. When I met him, Jacob didn’t even know who he wanted to be. He didn’t know that he was supposed to become anything. He was a chubby kid struggling to make sense of the inhumanity of middle schoolers. I knew Jacob for more than half of his life. I think that’s what hurts the most. There is no more time for us.
I know what I believe about death. As a follower of Jesus I know Jacob is with our Savior. I know. I know Jacob loved Jesus and never missed an opportunity to share this with those around him. I know he loved helping others get over what ailed them. He was good at that. But, he is no here to help me! He is gone and I miss him.
All of the cute things that we say sometimes really don’t help. “He lives on in our memories.” Yeah, well memories have a tendency to fade. “His love will carry you through.” OK, thanks but, I’d rather feel the warm embrace rather than the cold recollection of a time gone by.
I woke up this morning and saw some of the comments of those who loved Jacob as they remembered him. I was overwhelmed by the flood of emotion that I felt as I read them. I have heard that the depth of our pain is a reflection of the love we had/have for those now gone. I guess I loved/love him more than I realized. This is the realization I didn’t expect.
Two years, and I still feel the lingering effect of death’s assault on my heart. Jacob may not have been my flesh and blood, but we were family. I have come to realize that I still miss him and that will be OK. There is no expiration date on love. For this I am grateful.
I 100% agree: Dull platitudes don’t ever help; in fact, they just help make you feel more alone and even less understood.
I don’t think the pain ever really goes away from a loss; I think it just changes form and depending on your relationship with that person, it can keep evolving over time or simply fade away. It’s always the unexpected lingering hurt that surprises us; it teaches you a lot about yourself and how you respond to (and feel) love, I think.
Love your “there is no expiration date on love”. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for taking the time to read. I also am grateful for your kind words. Mourning truly is one of the most personal and individualized experiences. It is different for everyone. There is no one “right” way to mourn. The process is varied never the same for any two people.
It really is the most unique process to every single person because it’s complicated by the complex relationship you had with the deceased. And then, not only do you have to battle your own feelings you have yet to resolve with that person, you must come to terms with having those ‘unresolved issues’ and living with them, with sometimes no resolution. Or, you may have no “loose ends” but question your own grieving process.
Regardless, grief is way more complicated than it ever looks on the outside, and anyone who says differently may not have experienced a true loss before. That sounds way harsher than I mean it, but I can sincerely say I’ve lost many people before my mom, but I never experienced the same amount of grief as I am now.
I totally agree. I am still learning and growing. When our loss is personal and penetrating it has a way of changing our perspective.
Thank you again for reading and commenting.
I enjoy good conversation 🙂
Then I will look forward to more!
Whoa, on second read, I just realized that Jacob has the same birthday as me, but I’m 2 years older!
Uncanny! Have a great day and a Happy New Year!